ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
