i permit you to call me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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