Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
