I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
