You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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