Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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