I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
