he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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