bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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