i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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