lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
