saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
