i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
