i want to swaddle you in tequila
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
