miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
