Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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