we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize