I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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