Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
