First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
