??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
