I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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