upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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