if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
