I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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