I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
