last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
