turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
