oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
These tits shall not be calmed
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
