Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
