My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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