I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
