No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
