I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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