After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
