My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
