Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
