Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
