i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
