Even water is tasting like jack daniels
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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