i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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