i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
