Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
