I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
