Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
