Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
