I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
