I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
