hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
