I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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