This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
